To My Sister

Hey Michelle,

You know I miss you so much. I wonder if you would be disappointed in me for the way I've been carrying on. I cry all night, don't get out of bed, and my mood switches between angry and sad. The day you told me you had cancer I instantly thought to myself "okay, let's do this". I started making all kinds of arrangements to be sure that you would be taken care of and be surrounded by love. At the same time I could feel this heaviness in my heart cause I've watched you go through this before and I cried. I cried cause I didn't want to see you go through that again but remembered how much of a champ you were the first time. I just knew you wouldn't fall anything short of triumphant. Your doctor called me to inform us that you had less than 48 hours. I was in deep denial. He didn't know how strong you were or God's plans. I held on to hope with both hands and all of my heart. There was no way I was gonna loose my only sister even when I saw you on life support. The doctor informed us that you were going to pass with or without the breathing machine within 48 hours. Now there were decisions to be made. Were we to keep you on life support in hopes that the doctor was wrong or do we give you some dignity and let you find comfort in your last hours. Man, Michelle you have no idea how hard this was for me. Every time I held on tighter to hope it seemed as though the more it slipped away. I'm not sure if you remember our last conversation in the hospital. You let me know while you were in a morphine daze that you knew your whole family was there with you. I was so excited to be able to talk to you and you understand. That night we went back to your apartment ,instantly, I drop to my knees with my heart so wide open and humble knowing that there was nothing I could do to help you. I cried out to our Merciful Lord to perform a miracle. I prayed til sun up. The next day I pulled the sheets over my head because I didn't want the sun to shine, I didn't want the birds to sing, or to hear anyone laugh or see smiling. My heart was broken and I wanted the world to STOP because you were not a participant that day. I wanted to yell out " STOP!!! MY SISTER IS DYING!!"Michelle, this feeling is like my first heart break happening a million times within a second. While I was in your hospital room God did perform a miracle. He stopped your suffering and carried you home. I was there to hold your hand through this transition and I am beyond grateful for that. You always held my hand through my first times in life and now I get to be there for you. We couldn't have been better sisters than we were. We got on each others nerves and I played the bratty little sister role to perfection but you never seemed to mind. We had more good times and lazy days than bad ones. Actually, today, I wouldn't mind having a bad day with you. I would take any kind of day with you. I just want you to know that you are my best friend. You know a lot of people love their sisters and don't like them. I'm glad we liked each other and enjoyed our time together. You have so much love here Michelle, but I know that God loves you more. Words are too weak to describe my gratitude. You were a wonderful woman. You made friends every where you went and a smile that was just as big and bright as the sun. Everyone I know talks about your smile...It was beautiful. I pray at night for God to send you my love. I know you receive it because when I was cleaning out my closet the next day I found an envelope that said "I love you sister" in your handwriting. I know that love is the only thing that transcends and right now that has to be enough for me. You know the other day our business had it's first sell and I thought of you. How proud you would have been of me. Every day I think of you and I remember things you've said or your countless selfless acts. See, I'm still learning from you kindness and humility even in death. Tomorrow, I will try to be better. I will get out of bed and take notice of the day. I will honor your memory by living my life and enjoying every moment just as you did. I love you Michelle and don't worry I will stay in touch with your boys.

Your little sister,

Ney

From My Sister

In Loving Memory of My Sister Tonya Michelle Lesane-Bryant
5/11/1971-12/11/2006

Just The Way It Is

Most of you know I am always going through the motions with my hair! All I want is healthy hair. I've gone from a short tress to it being past my shoulders. I just can't get comfortable. My hair has been chemically treated since I was 11 years old. I tried to go natural once before, however I was single and trying to get a date and alot of black men in Sacramento don't like natural black women. Anyway, I was back to processed hair and had a few dates. Looking back on it now it was not worth it. So now here I am in full circle back to a natural look and not concerned whether black men like it or not. It's been about 6 months since I've had my hair staightened I cut the processed hair off at the end of May 2006 to only an inch and had it braided up since October. I've been wearing my afro out.Now that I'm older I can see how gorgeous my natural hair is and it's just how I want it, HEALTHY! I got a little over 5 1/2 inches of strong, soft, kinky, curly hair that I feel I have to reacquaint myself with. I don't put any heat to it I just keep it conditioned and groomed. Because it is 5 and a few inches tall I wear a head band and pack it down a little to give it some shape.I love it! No more dry brittle hair that breaks faster than it grows or using products that only make my hair LOOK healthy. I am using a hair growth formula and it grows close to an inch a month which is a lot for my type of hair. I comb it out and put two French braids in it before I go to bed so it doesn't hurt to comb it the next day. Oh, if you are a sista and you are thinking about going natural the one thing I wish someone would have told me was to purchase some detangling leave-in conditioner spray. It makes a huge difference.With all the changes I have taken my hair through, from haircuts that look like an accident to a million tiny braids that's a pain to put in and take out, I've learned to accept it just the way it is...
Now if I could only loose 15 pounds!!

I have pictures of my fro...I'll try to get them posted soon.